Number two(s)

Amongst ostomates, a stomaversary is celebrated, so whilst it may sound odd to you, it’s quite normal!

Unfortunately for me I’ve had 2 major cancer episodes in my life, and each anniversary becomes a real big deal and milestone, so yep, I’m shouting about it!

I’m still unsure of how I feel about my stoma, however, I should be grateful for the future it gave me and give it a little respect (nope, still no name). I try not to mourn the loss of a full digestive system, but to focus on celebrating the day Mr B created something rather amazing!

Every morning when I change my stoma bag it reminds me that surgery is amazing these days and because I am thankful for what my ileostomy has given me, I need to push myself to be a happier, stronger, more courageous person than I ever dreamed of being. And I need, and want, to do this for others.

My awesome colorectal team (whom you can meet below – all pics taken before social distancing obvs) have told me that one day I will realise I’m not all consumed with stoma stuff. Two years on I still feel the physical and mental affects from the surgeries, so this hasn’t come to pass as yet, but there is definitely progression!

The experiences of getting to grips with being an ostomate have been interesting, scary, laughable (a sense of humour defo helps!) and frustrating. This is as much mentally as it is physically. But it’s shaped me, and cancer made us prioritise what is important. Two years ago seems like yesterday, but also seems so long ago…

This morning I read my first stomaversary post and I can see how fragile I still was 12 months down the line. Not that you’d probably know it. A further 12 months down the line we are in a much better place, but here is what people don’t talk about enough…the psychological impact it can have that fades a lot slower than the physical affects. There are times that there is no getting away from the reflection of the journey taken.

During the quiet of the night laying in the dark hearing your stoma gurgle
Every morning’s stoma bag change
Every loo visit, and always keeping one eye on where the nearest loo is
Being concious of what I eat
Catching sight of your scars that tell a tale
Having to think about your bag when choosing what to wear
Feeling shooting pains inside (damn! those nerves take years to fuse back together, often it is my botty ones that hurt… ouch)
Having to have a handbag with you everywhere (emergency kit.) I am not a bag kinda gal
Survivors guilt is another feeling that one has to accept, but that is a whole other post to come…

But you just get on with it. There is no other option for me, Yes, the mental fear of the unknown is very real and hasn’t faded as much as I’d like but I’m still alive! For ref, I discuss more about mental anxiety in detail here

The fear is thankfully, much more contained these days to the run up to appointments (scanxiety is real), laying on the CT scanner bed (crying like a loon as your pumped full of dye), sat in the waiting room, and on anniversaries. Mainly the times that it is reinforced that your life could change in an instant again or reminders of how far you have come.

The tumours may be gone but the mental impact stays with us for years. However, if you know me, you know I am not a negative person but honest and a realist, sharing because I know that if one faces their fears then all of this becomes manageable.

I’d love to say that I’m celebrating with a party tonight, like the amazing surprise party my family and friends held for me last year, but covid put paid to that! So instead Mr J is treating mini J and I to a nice pizza homecooked dinner, fizz (I hope!) and quality family time with Luna (who is also, weirdly enough, on her 4th anniversary today of a nasty poisoning incident that led her to also have a bowel resection – they say dogs are like their owners…)

My party last year was amazing, all those faces of people who have really helped me acknowledging and facing my fears: my family, friends, tribe and colleagues (friends/colleagues, lines are blurred there) They all helped in ways they probably don’t realise. In a strange way my cancers have shaped me, and I have developed in ways I didn’t think I would fifteen years ago, and I think it has also given my lovelies an inside POV if they hadn’t experienced this kind of thing before. Love y’all!

I really try to be a positive bowel cancer experiencer (I am not a fan of the word “survivor” – any other suggestions?) and ostomate, raising awareness and telling my tale just in case it helps someone else.

Just one person feeling supported or finding some helpful advice, would make me feel so chuffed.

So now I have blabbed, I’m off to make the most of my second stomaversary in lockdown. As I am shielding I cannot do much but I don’t care, I have all I want and need here. I’ll get dressed, get out in the fresh air with Luna for a long stroll and work up an appetite for yummy dinner with my J’s later.

Namaste folks! xx