How did cancer prep me for a covid lockdown?

14 years ago I was diagnosed with cancer.

20 months ago I was diagnosed with cancer.

Same organ, not unexpected the second time, and weirdly something that helped me with some coping strategies with the fears and stress of coronavirus and the lockdown we’ve all had to go through. Ask any cancer patient they will “get it”, it’s a conversation I’ve had with a few, including mummy.

My cancer journey is one that will never end, due to Lynch syndrome, and I was amazed at how much I could help myself from my own experiences the second time round. Both diagnosis left me locked in my own little bubble for a while and I had to learn a “new normal”

These days we are locked in a coronavirus bubble and so many feelings have surfaced for me, and for those around me, that I recognise and can try to process due to experience. Training at its weirdest eh!? We’re, in the grand scheme of things, in a very lucky position compared to the majority of people. We both still have a job, though the industry I work in is very quiet and this does worry me. We have a roof over our heads and a garden we have been able to play in. So I appreciate that we’re priveledged.

But about the cancer prep… What I found during the cancer days is that there is a process you go through akin to grief and that humans need human contact, in fact we positively thrive on it, so when you’re in a situation where you have to be pretty isolated it’s tough but you try to learn coping mechanisms.

First comes the “something doesn’t feel right” feeling. You know something is up but you either can’t put your finger on it, or you’re too scared to. Your body isn’t working how it should, or you’re feeling a niggle where you haven’t before. You’re oh so very tired and refuse that cake that you would normally have gobbled up any other time, eating isn’t pleasurable anymore. Something is different and wrong…

First confimed cases of coronavirus in the UK were at the end of Jan, but many people were really quite poorly from around Christmas, myself included, with symptoms that match what we now know to be this nasty disease. We knew from end of Jan that this was something way more serious than seasonal flu and it didn’t feel right.

Next in the cancer world, it’s the referral and tests, to check your symptoms, and these take time.

We started to get reports from Wuhan that people were seriously ill, then people in the UK started dying. Hang on, on our shores… Wooah there nelly!

The diagnosis. This bit bloody sucks. “I’m sorry, you have cancer” – words I never want anyone I know to hear. Your immediate reaction depends on you. Cry, laugh, vomit (latter), then later that night you are numb as you cry, go blank, get smashed (the latter)… OK so this isn’t good. But how bad is it… More staging tests are lined up. You now have around a week to two to wait to get results and the “next step chat”. I often refer to this as the worst and darkest  part of the cancer journey. You know next time you see that consultant you will have a conversation about whether you’re likely to live or die. And you are so scared.

This was how I felt when we knew it was bad, when SAGE was up and running and when we all waited for the first public address from Boris about lockdown. The UK went quiet and numb as we watched him unfold the plans for our lives, as a collective, and the next step plans we needed to take to save as many lives as possible. I cried waiting for his address. I cried during it. No meet ups, no hugs, no non essential travel. This was serious shit!

Once you start cancer treatment, whether it be surgery, chemo, radio, you live a restricted life. People dont know what to say so they go quiet, people are too scared to come see you, and quite frankly you probably don’t want to see anyone other than your med team. Ironically, isolation, whether social or physical, makes the body pay. It raises cortisol levels and leads to chronic inflammation, which is linked to heart trouble and cancer…

So lockdown begins and we’re all in this forced isolation. We all now understand what it is to truly be with ourselves. Whether you live on your own, with a partner/friend/family, whether you have kids or not, we have all struggled one way or another. It’s not normal for us humans you see. But when you’ve done it before you know you need to try to tap into the “make peace with my own company” angle, which makes it a little bit easier. It’s like us cancer patients have had a little practice at not going totally stir crazy with the isolation.

Despite having this little practice I’ve still struggled. It’s taken me emotionally back to those dark days and scared me.

I’ve avoided my charity / health social media accounts as it’s brought up feelings I’d tried to suppress so I try to address them, accept them and move on. Top tips include physical exercise, leaving your phone alone, avoiding the news and googling, letting yourself sleep or do nothing and don’t feel bad, equally try to accomplish something – a quarantine project, be selfish, do not be forced to see others and keep your personal safety zone whatever others are doing.

I know that coronavirus should burn out, like cancer when your prognosis is good, (for some of us lucky ones) there’s a finish line, you just don’t know where it is.

Adapting to a new normal has already begun, most of us are able to accept the legislation and guidance and understand why it is there, for the greater good to save lives. If you’re lucky enough to live “post”cancer your life is a new normal too. Priorities change, appreciation deepens and you live with what ever changes cancer has given you (like a stoma for example).

Today the PM announced lockdown will ease on the 4th July and people do accept the economic reasons behind this but are nervous. We have to start somewhere, however, personally my loyalty is with science.

Unless I know where you’ve been, who you’ve been in less than 2m contact with, I’m not coming near you. Like I wouldn’t let people round to see me during chemo or post surgery if they were poorly, I’ll be keeping my 2m distance for now.

Keep safe and love yourself x