What happens next? 7 months on…

From the moment you are told “you have cancer” life becomes a whirlwind of appointments, reading booklets, searching support groups and checking in with the professionals. You practically beg for the day it’s all over.

So why when it is, do you fear life?

2nd June saw Cancer Survivors Day – The day is meant to “demonstrate that life after a cancer diagnosis can be a reality” and highlight the challenges faced. The fact there is such a day says it all.

Life after (and during) treatment you’re referred to as brave, a fighter, a cancer survivor. But sometimes you don’t feel like that at all and life seems daunting.

I have a(nother) 5 year pathway already planned out with my consultant, CRS, stoma nurse and GP. I still see my most awesome stoma nurse, and in touch with the colo-rectal team, meeting with them recently the second time since November.

I wanted it all over, Mr J, my family, my friends, all wanted the struggle to end and we all wanted to return to “normal life”, yet that is scary, I don’t want to leave the bosom of doctors and nurses who have been amazing.

I know all too well, recovering from cancer isn’t just about my physical being— it’s also about healing the mind. I know this from the first time round, when a few months down the line I sank into depression, and anti depressants and therapy helped me eventually get on an even keel, though it took about a year.  So I use my own experience to help myself:

• It’s important to plan stuff to look forward to, so we have.
• It’s important to acknowledge the feels but not feel overwhelmed by them
• It’s important to know that people see you as “normal” and they don’t know you’re struggling, but that’s OK, it’s no reason to get angry
• It’s normal to:

1. Fear recurrence (pfft!)
2. Feel survivors guilt cos you are still alive
3. Feel stress or overwhelmed that your brain isn’t working like it should (chuck in a surgical menopause and my ATD is horrendous)
4. Have body image issues
5. Suffer depression
6. Feel loneliness

So when we smile at you and say we’re doing OK, be gentle with us. We may not be, we just don’t want to cause any more fuss.

We cannot change the past but we must try to not let it define our future.

I urge anyone going through a cancer journey or out the other end, go challenge yourself, let yourself be you. Find who you are now.