I shall miss you 2018

Realising I need to be putting time and care into me rather than other things. I don’t need to over work myself, I need to rest or play too. I don’t need to do things I don’t want to, I can politely say no. I plan to live in a positive way concentrating on my mind, body and relationships and for this I need to love me.

Loving my husband, family and friends.

Wow, Mr J must be shattered. He has done pretty much everything for me over the past few months (he would argue years!) I’ve had lovely snuggles with family and so much love from my friends. I really do value each and every one of these people, and with friends you will be surprised who is (and isn’t!) there with a kind word and an offer of a shoulder. It’s hard to repay these people for what they have done and thank them for making things a little less scary and lonely. Those little texts you send me everyday are appreciated!

Mr J has some nice treats coming up, things for us to do together, cos for him I just want to show him a good time and make memories (no no, not that, too soon!) and I look forward to quality time with all. Except I will be the sober one from now on. (she says…)

Being a Dreamer.

There are certain things I dream of, and I do write them down in the hope of doing them. Funnily enough, we’re off to make sushi soon! Write down these things, tick them off. Life gets in the way sometimes and you can’t always put stuff off til tomorrow.

9-5.

With work, I’m going to have to think outside the box slightly. I know I will have to adjust things, working hours, stress levels, carrying boxes! I’m lucky though, my job is mainly office based, and I can work from home. All of this will be made easier by having fabulous bosses, a tight Directorship team and incredibly supportive colleagues. They’ve been amazing in the run up to this, providing me with all of the hospital goodies I would need, including noise cancelling headphones, which I DID need!

Live for today.

Life moves so fast. We get caught up in daily routines, we blow small things out of proportion and we constantly think of tomorrow. When facing cancer and surgery fear (I asked the % chance of dying on the operating table!) you suddenly see how short life is. You will know what I mean if you’ve suffered loss and grief, perspective hits you over the head.

I will consciously try to live in the now, appreciating everything. The first time I managed to get out of the house for a walk was amazing.

A route I’ve walked thousands of times with the dog suddenly became a fascinating journey, with me appreciating the cold air in my lungs, the dew on the blades of grass, the warmth of the sun on my face. I want to take some time to really plug into my life and live in the now, seeing everything around me. Which means LESS PHONE TIME.*

*yes, I am writing this on my phone, I get the irony.

Don’t stress.

I say this with being empathetic in mind too. I’d say I’m a pretty empathetic person but still have more scope to be understanding.

I try not to let much stress me, and moving forward I have to be very concious of this as it will have a direct impact on my stoma behaviour. I will try not to bite, will remember to deep breathe in situations that could rattle me. The one thing I always try to be concious of is, we don’t know what is going on in someone else’s life or mind to make them act in a way that is perceived as negative.

Their ‘story’ may be worse than mine.

• Maybe the person that shoved passed in the store can’t see properly.

• Maybe the person driving fast has a loved one in dire straits and is trying to get to them.

• Maybe the traffic jam is caused by an accidental fatality where there is no blame, only loss.

• Maybe the person who made the ignorant remark has other things on their mind that is distracting them. Maybe they’ve just been told they have cancer.

We just don’t know, so I’m learning to let things go that I don’t need to hold on to.

Nobody loves you for how you look.

Body image was my greatest fear going into this surgery. Not so much for how I looked at myself, but how others, including Mr J will look at me.

I had never worked harder or felt prouder of my body in October/ November, then “you will have a bag” came.

I will learn to love my body again. My body happens to have lynch Syndrome, these are the steps we’ve had to take. Surgeries and treatment have changed how my body looks and feels (I swear I can feel things moving inside!) I read daily affirmations and am accepting that my body is now currently protecting me. Without a stoma there was a risk of more and more cancer.

I did little Googling before the op, but did tap into some AMAZING people who showed me it would be OK.

Since, I’ve found some really inspirational people on social media and follow with interest and appreciate their messages of support and advice.

I have decided if my my “prada” is part of me, then I treat it thus. So on Christmas day, prada was blinged up!Birthday soon…. (Thanks Salts for the black bags!https://www.salts.co.uk/en-gb/products/drainable/confidence-be-1)

Mr J loves me the same, it was me making up how he would feel. Therapy has helped and I take no shame in admitting I went to see a therapist.

I asked Mr J what he sees as positives from this. He jokingly answered my happy go lucky nature and my patience as a patient. His points are well made. It is not easy to be positive all the time. Its been tough, we’ve cried, shouted and worried a lot. We’re adjusting, but it’s not easy and don’t let anyone tell you it is, but you have to try. I wear make up and pretend I’m OK cos I think if I wear the mask long enough it will stick. We are having more up days than down, but it’s taking time. He’s had to watch from the sidelines, unable to change what is happening. That breaks my heart.

But we are learning to cope, to smile, joke about the cancer card. We hold hands and we will be fine if we focus on positives.

So thanks 2018, we’re listening to you and learning from you. May you all reflect on your positives and look forward to 2019 with open arms.

Happy New year!

Bring it on 2019…